Need to buy a present for a friend you don’t know very well who is kind of nerdy and likes rock and roll? Need a novelty gift that no one wants for your next office holiday party? Here you go!
First of all, let it be known that I did not order this book expecting it to be anything other than a pile of garbage. I went as far as to hunt it down used so I didn’t waste too much of my money and the environment on it. But my time? That was wasted. For sure.
Let’s start out with the title:
Air Guitar- A Users Guide (What Every Axeman Needs to Know)
AxeMAN? I like how right away they assume that no woman will be purchasing this book. *coughs* dicks. But to be fair “axeperson” doesn’t have quite the same ring. So I’ll let it slide.
The book has 3 sections- Do’s and Don’ts including possible accessories, Air Guitar Moves, and Going Pro ie songs you can air guitar to.
Look, I don’t know how you could write a book about air guitar and not be ridiculous and stupid. I don’t know if it’s possible. BUT you could at least be funny! Or even try to be. This author instead chooses to use bland quotes, anecdotes, and snippets of rock history.
A sample of their fine advice-
DON’T- fall off stage, try to wear jewelry to look cool (wtf?), confuse playing Guitar Hero with real air guitar, or post videos of yourself on YouTube because people might make fun of you.
DO- drink booze to ease up a bit, warm up because you might injure yourself, keep your eyes open incase someone walks into the room and finds you playing air guitar, and do tell your partner that you play air guitar so they don’t find out by accident.
Under the accessories section it so helpfully gives advice as to what muther loving t-shirt to wear while playing the air guitar.
“Yellow or any similarly cheerful color will make you look like a member of Loverboy and should therefore be avoided”
Fuck you. I like yellow. I also can’t help but see this as a vaguely guised- if you wear colors you’ll look gay. Again, fuck you.
When giving advice on what tools to use to practice, the author writes-
“Avoid mops. Although the mop head can add weight and flamboyance they tend to be wet and/or smelly.”
He also adds that “witch brooms” are best because they kinda sorta look like a flying V guitar. What? No they don’t. And I love how he had to rename them witch brooms so it sounds more metal.
I can’t even go on. I could, but it’s just all so basic.
The only maybe slightly helpful thing in here is their list of recommended air guitar songs. Not every song I like has a sweet solo in it to try and mimic or fun rhythms to play around with so it’s nice to have a list of ones that maybe do. Not that I fully trust this guy’s taste in music.
In closing, it’s pretty god damn useless and more fun to review than it was to read. Take that, Axeman.